I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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