$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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