made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
ttyl tear gas
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize
