Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
