I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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