I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
