How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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