If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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