so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
and you fell through a lawn chair
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