He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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