shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
pray to the hookup gods
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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