I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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