Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
