she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
