Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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