its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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