im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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