You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
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I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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