Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
