how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
