Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
