My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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