you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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