Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
