My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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