if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
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I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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