My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
