I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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