You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
