You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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