i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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