Will you blow on my dice?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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