Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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