at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Someone shattered a urinal.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
