We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
