I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
