just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
