What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
