I just made out with a guy for $7.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
