my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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