Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
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Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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