I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
