I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
