Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
