My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
