Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
