nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Randomize
