Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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