plz talk dirty to me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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