True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got inside last night via doggy door
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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