I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
