Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
