the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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