happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
