How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
