i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
