You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
