Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
