When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize