I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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