I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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