i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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