Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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