he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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