Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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